Boreal

Love, Sex and Islam

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Sex in the Hereafter

Sex by the Numbers

All Allah’s afterlife has to offer as a distraction for an eternity is sex, nothing but sex. Sex in a bland, unchanging setting whose enduring sameness, from its identical people to invariable scenery, will quickly lose much of its charm.

Even if you get the maximum 72 houris—at the cost of impressing Allah by committing a truly horrific mass murder—all programmed to expertly execute the 64 positions of the Kama Sutra, this will still leave you with only 4,608 different coital experiences. That is, assuming that each manufactured vagina is built to different specs and not all calibrated to provide the same sensation from penetration to climax—what science refers to as the mean intravaginal ejaculation latency time (which in the here-and-now takes, on average, 5.4 minutes).

Four thousand six hundred and eight may seem like a big number, but we are talking an eternity here. There will be a lot of non-stop fornication in Paradise with nothing much to do, think or talk about, just fuck and eat. And by a lot, I mean everybody will be doing it almost all the time, at least for the first few years, at which point even fucking will become dull and repetitive. Like the rest of the dreariest of paradises imaginable, this should leave many wondering if it was worth the atrocities committed on Allah’s behalf to get there before everyone else.

Based on the average intravaginal ejaculation latency time of 5.4 minutes, a man could conceivably have sex with 11 houris per hour. With an eternity ahead of you, you may want to take your time and space them out every hour or so, between snacks. That still means, with a maximum number of houris each performing a permutation of the 64 positions of the Kama Sutra per fucking session, you will have tried every position with every single one of your houris in about 192 days. (Remember: in Paradise you don’t need sleep, get tired, or lose your erection.)

You could, of course, try adding some variety, such as having your houris please each other while pleasing you—except that would involve two people of the same sex playing with each other’s private parts, which is prohibited in the here-and-now and will be prohibited in the Hereafter, of that you can be sure. As Sam Harris explains in his bestseller The End of Faith – Religion, Terror and the Future of Reason, these so-called victimless sex crimes committed by consenting adults in private are still being prosecuted in mainly Muslim countries because God, who sees all, does not like watching people do that kind of stuff, like the aforementioned threesome with your houris. He only likes to watch people having conventional sex: sex between a man and a woman, one woman at a time, where the end result is penis-in-vagina penetration.

God does not mind watching couples touch each other’s private parts, that is, masturbate each other, but that’s it. Pleasuring yourself is out of the question; He does not like watching that at all.

As for the money shot, an expression most often used to describe a pornographic scene where the actor withdraws from the vagina so that you see him ejaculate, that’s not going to happen—but more about that later. One houri per hour requires just over six months to get back to the beginning and start over, and over and over for millions of years and then some.

But don't feel too bad, men; for the few real women whom Allah will allow into his Paradise, things will be much worse. They will spend most of eternity waiting their turn, competing with manufactured, large-breasted nymphomaniacs for their husband’s attention. The young woman in the Prologue remarked how she had been taught that, in Paradise, she, too, would be able to have sex with a variety of men.

Not so, according to Hamas, which quotes God to back up their claim. According to David Cook, author of Understanding Jihad, this question was posed on the Hamas website by a prospective female suicide bomber unsure about the “rewards for a female martyr.” Would she get the equivalent to the male suicide bomber who is promised a “fairly extensive harem of women in return for martyrdom?”

Question: I wanted to ask: what is the reward of a female martyr who performs a martyrdom operation; does she marry 72 of the houris?

 Answer: … The female martyr gains the same rewards as does the male, with the exception of this one aspect [the houris], so that the female martyr will be with the same husband with whom she dies.

“And those who have believed and their progeny, followed them in belief. We shall join their progeny to them. We shall not deprive them of any of their work; every man shall be bound by what he has earned” [52:21].

The one who is martyred and has no husband will be married to one of the people of Paradise.